This leaves the committed person in a very difficult position
. He Wants to Call Off the Wedding, But I Am Desperate to Get Married As Planned – Tips That May Help
Most of the people who contact me are married people who are trying to save their marriages. Every once in a whole though, I hear from someone who is trying to save a relationship with their fiance. They’re not yet married, but usually a wedding has been postponed or potentially called off because one of the parties is not sure that they want to move forward and commit to marriage.
Sometimes, there is a very definite conflict that has come up. But other times, the person calling off the wedding has just abruptly begun to question if they really want to be married to the other person. This leaves the committed person in a very difficult position. Not only are they often reeling from having their fiance question their commitment to them, they are now faced with everyone knowing that they have to call things off and waste a lot of time and money.
I recently heard from a young woman whose finance had told her that he wanted to call off the wedding about two months before it was scheduled to take place. He really could not give her any concrete reasons for his decision. He was basically telling her that he needed time and wasn’t sure if eight weeks was going to be enough. He wanted to take the wedding off of the table and then revisit and reevaluate the issue several months down the road.
To paraphrase the young woman, I heard something like: “I’m absolutely devastated and I’m embarrassed. I don’t want every one to know that he has doubts about our relationship. This should be the most happy time in my life and it’s not anymore. I don’t want to pressure him but there is a lot of money on the line. But, more than that, I’m concerned about our relationship. Losing him would be my worst case scenario. And I’m not even sure what went
wrong. One second, he’s completely in love with me and ready to get married, and the next, he’s just not sure? How am I supposed to react to this?” I will try to address some of these concerns in the following article.
Is This Cold Feet, Or Something Else?: The young woman who wrote to me was very fixated and whether or not her fiance had “cold feet.” I think that she believed that cold feet was preferable to him not wanting to be with her anymore. Honestly, having jitters or nerves about the commitment that you are about to make is absolutely normal. There’s a lot of pressure and long term decisions during this process. For women, this can be exciting and fun.
But for some men, this is not quite as alluring. This process can make them feel out of their element and quite stressed. And, sometimes, they project these doubts and negative feelings onto you. This can make them think that they might want to exit the situation entirely. And, as painful as this feels, this sometimes doesn’t have as much to do with you as you fear.
Often this cold feet situation will resolve itself over a short period of time. And, this is often how you can tell what you’re dealing with. Wedding day jitters and nervousness usually resolves over a couple of days or over a week or so. If your fiance is having doubts for much longer than this, you might be dealing with issues that run a bit more deep. However, this woman’s situation was still quite new. I felt that she would really know what she was dealing with if she gave this a week or two.
Allowing Your Fiance To See That Your Being Happy Together As A Couple Is More Important To You Than The Event Of The Wedding: I know that it was very tempting for this young woman to feel a lot of pressure and fear. But, if she projected this onto her finance, she ran the risk of pushing him even further away. It was quiet clear that the young man was already feeling quite pressured, so adding even more negative emotions onto this was likely only going to make things worse.
In situations such as these, I honestly feel that the best thing that you can do is to focus on and stress what is the most important to you. In this situation, it was clearly the relationship between the couple. At the end of the day, this young woman would rather ultimately have her fiance with her in healthy and happy relationship than forcing a marriage that he’s only going to potentially doubt and resent.
Another thing to consider is that often, if you play this correctly, you can have both the relationship and the marriage. But what is more important, especially initially, is to turn the pressure down a notch and make it very clear that it’s the relationship that you value the most. Sure, it’s normal to wish that you weren’t in the position that you are now. But, what would be even worse is to allow for this to destroy or negatively effect your relationship.
I felt that it could really help if she could calmly sit her fiance down and tell him that although calling the wedding off was an upsetting thought, the more upsetting thing would be to lose the connection and the relationship that they had worked so hard to build. I felt that she should stress that, right now, what she wanted to focus on was their maintaining a close relationship in spite of all of the drama that might be going on around them.
Setting it up this way did two things for her. It showed him that she was about him and her together and that the wedding is really secondary. And, it has bought her some time. She made it clear that she was going to focus on the two of them rather than on the wedding. This way, she didn’t have to begin calling things off immediately. This young woman really was still two months away from the event. She had a few weeks to worth with before she had to begin notifying people. So, although I know that she felt quite panicky, there was no reason to panic quite yet.
She just had to try to not to focus on all of the extraneous stuff and the external noise and instead ask herself what was really important to her. It was very obvious to me that the most important thing to her was her fiance and their relationship. So, this is where I suggested that she place her focus. Understandably, she did not want to disappoint her family and friends. But, this was not going to be her family and friends’ marriage or their life. It was hers. So, she had to proceed accordingly.
These principals come from my experience of what worked when I was trying to save my marriage. Granted, I was already married, but I believe that these tactics would work in this situation as well. My husband was unsure, distant and withdrawn and eventually suggested a trial separation. Thankfully, even though I had doubts, I decided to try one last thing, to give a little more, and to approach it from another angle (by focusing on my own time and efforts) and this eventually worked. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com.